Did you expect to be the primary breadwinner?
Karen didn’t.
She fell into it by accident. It’s not the life she expected. And even through struggles, she’s learning to make the most of it.
I met Karen in the fall of 2010 when we were both part of a national news story on breadwinning wives, written by Shannon Proudfoot.
Karen describes herself as an “Accidental Alpha”. She writes:
I never wanted to be either Ward or June Cleaver – I always had a different, more equal, more progressive vision of “married with kids.” But lately I’m feeling more like Ward – like I’m perilously close to being that distant from my kids.”
Read her story here.
Karen’s story typifies one of the six central ‘narratives’ I have discovered in my research on breadwinning mothers. It’s well summed up in one line that many women have said to me – with either sadness, desperation, worry, or acceptance:
“I never expected to be here”.
Interestingly, those are the exact same words that I have heard countless times from stay-at-home dads across one full decade.
“I never expected to be here”.
What about you? Did you expect to be here? What have you (and your partner) done to make what was unexpected into something that works (or not)?
Click the comments button below to read what others have said and share your own answer!
*Image: “Holding Aligned Choices” courtesy of Christine Martell www.christinemartell.com
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
So glad I found this site! I am the sole earner in our family, my husband stays home with our young daughter and I struggle mightily with our roles and expectations. He is doing exactly what I thought and expected to be doing– stay at home parent, spouse of a professional, etc. The interesting thing though is that even though he spends more time with our daughter, there is no question that I am the “mom” in our family.
Many thanks for your thoughtful comment, Melissa. You are the first on this newly launched web site!
Stay tuned for lots of exciting conversation ahead. We look forward to having you as part of the evolving discussion. Welcome aboard!
~ Andrea
I am also the sole breadwinner while my husband stays home with our son (he works for a few hours every other Saturday, but essentially does so just to maintain his skills as the pay is negligible – even the IRS agrees). I’m actually the opposite – I always expected to be here. What I didn’t expect was how I’d feel about it. I always thought I’d be one of those working moms who says “oh I love working, I’m a better mommy when I’m working and I’d work even if I didn’t have to”. That, as it turns out, is not even remotely the case. As much as I do enjoy what I do, I’d quit tomorrow if my husband found a job that paid equivalently (or close to equivalently). At least until our kids were older – I’m not a great housekeeper, so I’d probably go back to work during school hours
I think we have a closer balance to more equal parenting than my parents did, and while our son is still nursing I feel like he still turns to me primarily for comfort, but I can already see as he gets older, there are things he’s going to go to dad for – things that one my traditionally expect to be things “mom” does. And it makes me a little sad.
Thanks so much for your reply, Shandra.
I love this dilemma that you point to: “I always expected to be here” and then: “What I didn’t expect was how I’d feel about it”. What a fascinating twist on this story line. Look forward to seeing/ hearing more of you here!
Finally, I don’t feel like we’re the only ones in this situation! I am professional woman who works full time and makes a good salary. My husband is a full time stay-at-home dad to our 2-year old little boy. We, too, “never expected to be here”. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball: ours was when my son was born after a very difficult birth and we found out that it would be impossible for us to have more children. Suddenly your outlook on life and raising your ONLY child changes: did we really want to put him in a daycare and miss out on everything? Even before my son was born my husband and I had decided to split the “Parental Leave” equally between us, after all is was Parental Leave and not Mommy Leave (as too many woman sadly seem to feel). My husband took the second half of the leave and as it drew to an end, he quit his full-time job to stay at home.
I must say I love getting out and working everyday and knowing that the person that I trust most in the this world is raising my (our) child. I get power lunches and high-pressure meetings, he gets swimming lessons and mommy groups. He’s been generally well accepted into the mommy groups but still feels like an outsider when the discussion subjects revolve around crafts and periods. People still seem shocked when I tell them that my son isn’t in daycare and that my husband is a stay-at-home dad, often they don’t seem to “get” that it’s permanent decision and they think it’s because he can’t find a job or has been laid off. It’s hard for some people to wrap their head around that a WOMAN would want to work and be the sole breadwinner and the MAN would want to stay at home and raise his child. I’m hoping that the next generation will change this mindset, as men too long have been pushed aside by woman and not allowed to be an equal parent.
Sorry I have been so long winded, I have so much pent-up frustration about the reaction to our situation, and this is one of the only places I have been able to vent!
Jessica
Jessica – I love your story! It is amazing how much you said in such a short post. It points to so many possibilities and opportunities, on the one hand – and then those still lingering social tensions around non-traditional family choices. Thank you so much for sharing it.
I am looking forward to having your voice and input here as the project moves forward.
This has to be more than coincidence: I signed up for this project, but never wrote my story seveal years ago. Just this past weekend, I was wondering whatever happened to it and what it was called and how I could find out about it. Then the email came today — so first a thank you to the Universe for answering my longing. It must be time to share. I also never thought I would be the sole bread winner and despite the fact that my husband in now 60 and our son is almost 16, I am still holding out hope that my husband will get regular work.
Sorry — I hit the enter button too soon! When our son was younger, I had the good fortune to be able to stay home with him, and in fact “home schooled” him (along with a community of home-schoolers) until he was almost finished with 2nd grade. At that time, my husband was doing whatever he could to bring in money, but always worked from home. Mostly he was a free-lance writer, but in the end, was not able to earn enough to support the household. Since I was the one with the professional degree, we both realized that I needed to go to work.
Our son adjusted much better to public school than I did to full-time work. However, we both justified that it made sense. It was important that one of us be there when our son got home from school. But as the years have gone by, I find that I am exhausted. My husband tries to pick up a lot of the work around the house and he does a decent job — but not to the standard I would like. He does the bulk of the grocery shopping and about half of the cooking, but using more convenience foods than I would prefer. The same with doing the dishes, cleaning and laundry. But he also has a lot of leisure time.
I think that is where my feeling of resentment comes in. He gets to be at home alone to pursue his hobbies and interests, and I never get to have time like that. The other side of the coin, is the sense I have of accomplishment and being able to support our little family of three. I am older now, though, and am concerned about paying for our son’s college education and later for my retirement…. it lately feels like a lot of pressure.
Thank you for this chance to share. I look forward to staying involved.
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